ddrboy's Diaryland Diary

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The Ramones - I wanna be sedated!

In this point in time, I can't write in here. I can no longer express myself. Too many people know about my diary and I need to find somewhere I can go and spill my guts. I'm just tired of shit in my "life". I need help.

Oh, I found out who Gabe is. I know who he is and I know about him. So, HI GABE!!

Gus is still here, around and stuff, but now it's different. The fact that Michelle is involved so much in my life is affecting me in a bad way. I hate my life right now and Gus told me too. He said last night that my life is exactly where it would be and I wish he could help me out, but it's too late for that.

He was the best relationship I ever had and I fucked things up. He was the best and I regret the fact that I wanted out. Things were great at the start of my "freedom", but now, they're just crap.

My life turned into a bowl of crap and I can't seem to find the edge to climb out.

I don't have "quiet time", I don't have my privacy, I don't even have my own bed anymore. I don't have "MY" room. I feel like I took a trip back in time to ten years ago. To a point that we were living with my aunt, and I had to sleep in the living room sofa, and then sleeping in a twin bed with my mom. That whole year was hell for me. No privacy, no respect for my things, no time for myself and no attention. (The attention thing is something completly not related to this entry, so ask me later)

I hate the fact that I bitch and whine about my life all the time and I do nothing about it. Y'all noticed that if you've read me or read my archives. I just bitch and cry and whine and never do anything about it. Fuck, I wish I still had Gus. Or Joe. Either way, they are the only ones who actually believe in me. I don't believe in me. I feel like my life is just wasting away and that I am worthless. I really do. What have I done with my life so far???

Let's see, shall we?

• I haven't graduated high school.
• I haven't gotten my cosmetology license.
• I have failed in almost everything I have tried.
• I don't finish what I begin only cause I let what other people think get in the way of what I want to do.
• I let other peoples failures prevent me from trying hard because I am told that since they couldn't do it, I have to and if I don't, I'm not worth of their love.
• I don't even start new things because when I'm about to, I hear "why start? It's not like you'll finish it anyway!"

Right now I just got a call from Brock and I'm all better. I need to call Gus soon! Ba back in a while...

3:57 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003

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