ddrboy's Diaryland Diary
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Gay, Str8...I don't care!
Boy, Girl, Gay, Straight, Whatever
By Ted Hoffman
Dear Jonah, We haven't picked a name for you yet, so for now, Jonah will do. Although I'm not sure my wife will appreciate the biblical allusion.
We can't tell, judging from the murkiness of the sonograms, if you're a boy, a girl or maybe a squid trying to make taffy. I figure, if you're a girl, you'll kick; if you're a boy, by golly, you'll go for the first down.
Jonah, I'm starting this periodic diary to clue you in to what's happening in this world you're about to join. By the way, I'm Daddy. I'm pretty sure. That lady you're in solitary confinement inside is Mommy, but only because I built up a tolerance to the pepper spray. (Note to self: possible name for boy -- Mace.)
It occurs to me, you beautiful wet bundle of Bouncing Future Taxpayer, that it's not just that I don't know what sex you'll be. I don't even know what sex you'll be attracted to.
There is in the world a fascinating thing called homosexuality. This is derived from several words: "ho," meaning laughter, "mose," meaning to amble slowly, "xual," the Mayan word for dinner theater, and "ity," meaning small. "Homosexuality," therefore, refers to small laughing walking people who like musicals.
The fact is, you might turn out to be homosexual. It's happened to some awfully fine people. Many women say they wish it had happened to me.
Whatever your orientation, you'll find that lots of folks will tell you, with that special rosy pious love so often on display in letters to the editor, that you're an abomination. You "chose" to be gay. The same way they "chose" to be straight.
It's a fiendishly hard choice. I remember filling out the application. With heterosexuality, the benefits are cultural acceptance, getting shot at in foxholes and, most alarming, children. With homosexuality, it's social ostracism and a year's supply of mousse. Choices, choices!
The mantra is that gays are not normal. That's supposed to be a bad thing? Normal is way overrated. If they are normal, I'm hoping you'll set your sights much much higher.
You want normal? Normal people not only vote in South Florida, but set up the voting system. (Note to self: possible name for boy -- Chad.) Normal people appear on Montel and proceed to tell the world how they fell in love with their urologist's foot.
Our Jonah, gay? Oh, to have a tot with the philosophical force of Socrates, the military courage of Alexander the Great, the artistic genius of Michelangelo, the common-sense conscience of Henry David Thoreau, the poetic voltage of Walt Whitman, the literary panache of Herman Melville, the bon vivant irrepressibility of Truman Capote, the dramatic jolt of Tennessee Williams, the profound musical instincts of Peter Tchaikovsky, the pop music verve of Elton John, the athletic flash of Martina Navratilova, the sheer multitasking magnificence of Leonardo da Vinci, the cultureshaking bravado of Oscar Wilde, the performing elan of Nathan Lane. . .
Sigh. If you turn out to be straight, we'll try not to be too disappointed. Love, Daddy.
Ted Hoffman, a copy editor for The Ledger, is eating calamari-flavored taffy. His e-mail address is [email protected]
Last modified: September 22. 2002 12:00AM
5:05 p.m. - Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002
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