ddrboy's Diaryland Diary
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My mom don't love me...she does, but I don't feel it sometimes.
I was going through some things today...looking for some key-codes for Steve, a server at Norms, and I found something I wrote once. Something I wrote after I told my mom that everyonce in a while, I want to drive the car, while everyone is in there, and drive into the train that passes by our house. Drive it onto the wrong way on the freeway. Ooh, I also told her that I feel like she don't love me, but it's all about shame. Fucking John Bradshaw!
I just want to die. I want to take my sleeping pills and fuck the world. I told my mom i don't feel loved, she got me stressed when I wasn't there to pick her up. (She was doing the laundry and she did like 20 loads.) She went to wash some things. I was like15 loads of laundry and stuff.She was done at 5pm and I wasn't home. I went to Joe's house while waiting for them to finish. I left his house at 6:30pm thinking they were about to be finished. But she had already called my uncle from La Puente to pick them up.
Then she is all like, You are so irresponsible and she was soo mad. Then, she was going on and on, so she asked what my problem was. I told her I don't feel love, that I'm only here for her, only to make her happy. I feel like I am here just to make her feel better. All I feel is like a piece of trash. Like a slave, someone to do her things.
I told her I don't feel loved and I don't feel love towards her. I feel like she's my friend and not my mom. It hurt me to tell her, but it felt good. Then I felt really bad for telling her what I felt. My only thought was to take my pills and just make her happy. I feel like I add to her problems and maybe this way she might finally be happy.
If I don't live up to what she thinks is good, then why be here at all?!?! She's all like then why go to the doctor? I told her I'm the crazy one, I'm the one with the problems.
I told her that I shouldn't tell her anything, cause it might make her feel worse, cause of what happened with Oscar. (That's another entry and page for the "family" and explination of what makes me...me!) But I told her I don't feel like you hurt me, it just hurt so much that she thinks of me that way, like a failure, ok?! Why does she keep on adding more shit to my pile, let me struggle and let me see how hard life (really) is. I am tired and mad at her cause she is always on top of me. Just let me go and cut the cord, don't depend on my anymore.
Why do I feel like I have to prove myself to her, show her I can, tell her I can, why can't she see that. I'm tired of performing. I'm tired of not being able to say what I want to say...SHE DOES! She calls me names, why can't I?
It started when I got my crivers license...I felt like I had to put me on hold. Just for her. I know when you older, you will take care of your parents, but now? I'm 21, I'm not supposed to worry about this for maybe another ten years. She needs a man to help her, not me! NOT ME! She...
That's where I stopped writting. That's when I felt somewhat better, but we still had drama for days. Ugh!
Hmm...I feel better now that I put that on here. But there are still issues with my mother that will take years to heal. Ugh!
T.T.F.N.
I'm off to bed with Red!
2:21 a.m. - Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002
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